I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
