i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
