I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
