I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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