Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's shark week go big or go home
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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