she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
