Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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