i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
