How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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