Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
