I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
