i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
