How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
