Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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