I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
