I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
