if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
