Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
