I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
