How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
