this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Actions speak louder than pants.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
