you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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