so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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