I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
