You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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