i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize