Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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