my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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