I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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