Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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