All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
