Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
