sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize