At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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