Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
