So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize