I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
