I think I died a long time ago.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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