i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
