Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
