Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
