Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
