It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she peed on how many people?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
