Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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