this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
