Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
