He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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