I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
