Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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