How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
