i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
