You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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