I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
