I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
