you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize