Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize