I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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