You can't motorboat a personality
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
