Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
