Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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