after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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