nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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