O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
