A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
