She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize