I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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