i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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