did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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