Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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