This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
