I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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