I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
